I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
