You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
