Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
