I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
