my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
