Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
