That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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