By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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