for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
