Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
All the doctor said was why
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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