You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
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What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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