I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
