He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
