the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
