so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
