now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
