apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Will exercising make me less horny?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
