matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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