my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize