I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is wine microwaveable?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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