At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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