yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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