She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
