Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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