Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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