hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
