oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We were destined to go to rehab together
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
