your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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