Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
