I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
