he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
