Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
