there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
