I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
