im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Naked. naked and bneed help.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
