the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
