i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
