I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
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