I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
