If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
