I'm so fucking centered right now
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
