says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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