Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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