Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Randomize
