i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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