I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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