I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Randomize
