4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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