I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
