Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
