pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
