Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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