I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
