i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
