I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
