So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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