I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
